"Trees die standing"

Salt Lake City, Utah
August 10, 2012

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much. I hate feeling so much. (But yet again I am 'feeling' hate towards 'feelings'... more feelings! Ugh)

It's hard to comprehend and rationalize how feelings can dictate a person's life and change it so quickly... to worse... to better, to whatever.

Some times it feels good though. So good. So strong... So... satisfying and filling.

Trust me, I know what I am talking about.

Once, my heart felt as if it would explode of love. As if there was no more room to squeeze  any tiny piece of happiness. As if a drop of goodness would get in, it would be a Big Bang of emotions. So the only way the body have to relive such a overwhelming sensation is smiling...

Oh my gosh, it feels so good! have you ever cried because you were so happy? And you just couldn't stop smiling? Ah! It feels so good. You just feel as if you are floating in the air. "Like walking in clouds."

We... as... we, human. are so vulnerable to feelings. It's scary.   If you think about it, more than procreate and exist., we don't really have any power on earth.  After that we are to the mercy of nature, time, faith, and... biology? Those are indeed pretty strong forces that can shape pretty much anything.

But being so vulnerable to 'feelings?'... A feeling! Something so... intangible. Unmeasurable, indescribable and even sometimes unbelievable, and yet... so powerful?

It's just so mind-blowing!

A heart-break, a disappointment, homesick-sens, missing somebody.... missing something.

Love... hate.


'Feeling' is the underestimated essence of human beings. It's the only thing that assures you that you are alive... and that it's worth it to be so.

Where would we, human, be if we didn't have feelings? No where, I believe. I think. we need it to exist. We need it to live.

Sometimes it feels good. So good. So strong... So... satisfying and filling. And some other times it feels bad... very very bad.

Oh my gosh, it could feel so bad it hurts! Have you ever cried uncontrollably because you were so sad? And you just couldn't stop crying? Ah! It feels so bad. You just feels as if you are being moped on filth.

It, literally, hurts. It can hurt unbearably bad. So strongly bad...

So defeating and devastating. As if we are dying inside... but you don't really die. You just remain there... standing. As if you were a dying tree.

For some reason trees die standing. When dying, trees slowly start loosing its leaves and its natural color. Its branches slowly weakens and brake easily, and ultimately it gets hollow inside.

Sometimes it hurts so bad that you think you are being cursed to eternally live as if you were dying.

You spend your days wishing you could just sleep all day. When you are asleep those feelings hunt you around with cruel dreams and terrifying nightmares.

But when you wake up again though,  you wake up wishing you didn't have to wake up from your nightmares... because reality feels worse.

Trust me, I know that feeling.

All one wants is to feel the good-kind of feeling again. The one that it feels so good and awesome you just can't help but forget you once felt sad.

You can't settle for anything less but THAT awesome feeling of overwhelming happiness, because We once felt it... so we know how it feels. It's out there. It's real. You felt it.

Is the price of such feeling to one day be "dying trees?" If so... that is one expensive price to pay...

But worth to work all our life if necessary to afford that feeling again.

Felling good, it's addictive.

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